


Murder in the Woods

by MomoTheMonkey



Category: K-pop, Super Junior
Genre: M/M, Mystery, Super Junior - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-10-27 02:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 27
Words: 18,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10799697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MomoTheMonkey/pseuds/MomoTheMonkey
Summary: One day, there is a murder in the woods. A story about two lovers who find themselves in a bloody situation. Someone gets killed, someone has to clean it up, someone has to figure it all out, before they come to that dreaded realization no one wants to face.





	1. First Time

**Hyukjae**

 

It was the first time I had seen one; the first time I had laid eyes on a dead body.

Its eyes were cold and gray. Its body felt like leather to the touch, that is, if I had dared to press even the tips of my fingers to the surface of its skin.

It was interesting though, and I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. There were so many thoughts going in circles inside of me and my breathing increased.

The body was so pale and lifeless. There was nothing inside of it anymore, and I wondered if it could even be classified as a person any longer. It was just a corpse after all.

The one thing that makes humans truly human and so magnificent is their mind. I'm not talking solely about the brain, because most animals must have a brain and they are not as amazing as we humans are. No, it was our thoughts, our capability to think and form ideas and create from those ideas was what made us truly human and set us apart from everything else.

But when you die that crucial part of you is gone. It's as if that one defining characteristic seeps out from your body along with your last breath. It's poetic.

However, that poses a new question. What is the true purpose of our body? Is it merely a vessel that guides us through life until our predestined time is up? From that hypothesis, dead bodies are meaningless. Why do we have funerals and grand ceremonies with the body as the centre of attention? The corpse is only signifying the deceased person's outward appearance - it isn't a good representation of what a person used to be.

You can't tell much from a face, except the basic generalizations of age and gender and other genetics like that. The thing that defined this person was in their mind, perhaps only they knew who they really where, and they never revealed it to anyone else. This corpse in front of me could have been a person who had only ever thought of sex and pleasure, but externally they were the president of an abstinence club. No one knows what's going on inside somebody's head except for the person themselves.

Then we come back to the body - the first dead body I had ever seen apart from real people playing dead on television. My first dead body and it was making me go off on some philosophical bullshit. It was just so sudden, so shocking, so completely and utterly in the moment and tantalizing. It was just laying there in front of me; it was close enough for me to touch, should I have desired that. 

But I didn't. I didn't want to touch it. I didn't want to be near it any longer. The terror and agonizing fear that there was nothing inside that body anymore was beginning to strike me in the heart like a sharp dagger. There was nothing there.

I wanted to get away. I wanted to run. I wanted to leave and never look back. I wanted this to be done and over with so I could forget about it as soon as possible.

Oh, I should point out, that this wasn't just the first time I had seen a dead body. It was also the first time I had done it; killed a person, that is.


	2. Blood

**Donghae**

 

I couldn't find him anywhere. That was always a bad sign. He gets lost easily. I didn't know what might happen to him.

I ran and ran and ran and ran as fast as I could, but it was never fast enough. It was almost too late by the time I caught a glimpse of his back. Maybe it was too late when I reached him. 

The first thing I was was the blood. There wasn't much yet, but it stood out like a sore thumb in the forest. Normally it wouldn't stick out so much, but it was winter and a big storm had just passed, bringing with it a big snowfall. The blood was fleeing the body and seeping into the white snow, staining it for as long as the snow remained frozen there.

It gave me a serene feeling though. It was weird, but the feeling stayed. Maybe it was because of the colours, or lack thereof. There was no colour in the woods, only black and white - only black and white and red.

I can't believe I could have thought something like this, especially in this situation, but the mind thinks what it thinks. I couldn't help it. I thought that it was kind of ironic, in a twisted way. The dead body fits right in in the forest scenery. It's winter, so everything's already dead. At least for now it is. In the spring all of the snow will melt away and the bright sun and glistening rain will revive the forest into what it was. The spring would return the life to the forest, but not this body.

I paused and wondered if by chance the body remained, if the spring revival would affect it too, and just like that we would have been the people to start the zombie apocalypse without actually knowing it. That's how everything starts anyway, you know. You go looking for one thing, but you find another in the process, just like me.

I went looking for him, but I found a dead body instead. I wanted to ask what happened, but I was afraid to. If he had killed this person, what would I do? What would we do together? I don't think it really matters, the answer should be obvious. I guess.

It was weird though, how he was just standing there, with this aimless look on his face. It was like he didn't know what to do. He didn't know if he should freak out or start running for the hills. I didn't know what to do either. Whether he had done this - killed a person - or stumbled upon it like me, I didn't know.

I turned to him. I walked to him. I stood in front of him and I held his shoulders firmly. I looked into his eyes and I saw them void of thought.

He was completely stunned. He barely even recognized that I was standing in front of him.

I bit my lip, unsure. I looked at the corpse, anxious. I watched him, concerned. I spoke, and I tried to make it sound like I knew what I was talking about.

"Come on Lee Hyukjae, pay attention."


	3. Donghae

**Hyukjae**

 

He wasn't there, and then he was. As if he had always been standing beside me, he appeared - my guardian angel falling from the heavens. If that made sense.

I was glad to see him, but then I wasn't. A feeling overcame me and I stumbled to my knees with the weight of it. I didn't want him to see me like this. I know it sounds stupid, but in a way I was glad and sad. 

He was the only one who could comfort me at a time like this, but I didn't want him to think badly of me. I killed somebody after all. What would he think of me after knowing that?

He kept talking to me though. His lips were moving and moving, but I couldn't hear anything. There was only a quiet ringing in my ears.

I kept looking at the corpse just a few feet away from me. It was all starting to sink in now - the fact that I had just killed someone. I had committed murder. A life had been taken at my hands. What did that make me? A murderer?

I didn't want to be a murderer. I didn't want him to be around a murderer.

I looked at him. I looked at his eyes. I saw his emotions through his chocolate brown eyes. I saw the fear and the worry, but that wasn't all, I saw the concern and the love that meant he didn't hate me.

He might not know that I did this, but I hoped that he did, that way I wouldn't have to say it to myself. If I admitted it to him, I'd have to face the reality myself. Maybe I didn't want to be a murderer, has anyone ever thought of that? Certain circumstances lead to things that I couldn't control. It wasn't my fault this happened. He must have known that.

I finally heard him.

"You have to talk to me, Hyukjae. You have to say something, otherwise I can't help you. I can't figure things out on my own. You know I'm not that smart, you know that." He was talking a mile a minute and I couldn't stop myself from what happened next.

Sometimes you can't control your actions. Your mind commands you to act and you can't stop it, like how I couldn't stop my smile. I couldn't stop the tears that were piling up. I couldn't stop myself from sobbing into his strong chest and I couldn't stop laughing as I clutched onto his muscular body.

It was so ridiculous. I thought I had gone mad myself. Perhaps this was just a mental breakdown or the shock that I was surely feeling after such a traumatic experience. Killing someone can do terrifying things to a person.

Maybe it's because you start to understand the magnitude of ending a life. The scary reality that a mind has left and all that remains is the twisted shell it left behind. The pain of ending someone who was just like you, even if only in structure and race.

At least I had him here with me.

"Thank you, Donghae."


	4. Promise

**Donghae**

 

Frankly, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to react to something like this. All I could do was be there for him. At least for now, I hoped that was enough.

I'd figure something out later - I had to - I had to be the strong one right now because it was all I could do. I wished I could do more. I wanted to be able to erase all of his problems and recreate our lives before all of this. I only wanted to go back to the way thing were.

Something like that wouldn't - couldn't - easily happen. I knew it couldn't. For now, I'd let him cry his heart out. I would keep him in my embrace and hold onto him for as long as he needed. I'd pay no attention to the laughter mixed in to the sobs, or the way he smiled as he cried. I didn't understand it, but he didn't either.

All I could do was hold him like this and hope for the best. I would think of something later. I knew I would.

Almost a half hour passed and he seemed to calm down. I was stroking his hair and speaking calming words like he was a child having a tantrum and I was his carer. I would be there for him no matter what. I promised.

So what if he killed someone? He must have had a damn good reason; he's not the type of person to do something like that. I know him - I know him better than I know myself. He probably feels the same way about me, so we're even.

I raised his head and held his stained cheeks in my hands. I smiled and kissed his tears away. I promised him everything would be okay. I promised him that nothing bad would happen.

"I'll be right here with you forever, I promise." I told him over and over again until he could see clearly.

He looked at me and he smiled. The kind of defenseless smile where you can see all of his weaknesses. The kind of smile that said he was tired.

"Don't you worry one bit. I won't ever leave you. I'll help you get through this, I promise you." I told him and I meant it. I meant every word.

He looked at me and he understood. We were going to get through this no matter what happened. I helped him stand up and he brushed the snow off of his jeans. They were wet and the rough fabric was clinging to his thin legs. He must have been so cold. He had a winter jacket on, but it was covered in blood - blood and snow. I too, had blood scattered on my coat that was carried over from being so close to him. It didn't matter to me, I was sure it would wash out, and if not, who cares?

He looked at the body, but he soon turned away. I wanted to do the same, but I couldn't. I had to take care of this. I had to take care of him.


	5. Too Much

** Hyukjae **

 

I didn't know what was happening behind me. I was too busy trying to block it all from my mind. I didn't want to remember how it felt or how it sounded or what I was thinking or their horrified face. I didn't want to remember that for as long as I had. It was too much.

"What should we do with the body?" He asked me. I shivered. The body. It wasn't even a person anymore.

"I, I don't know... What are we even supposed to do? I, I, I....and this happened...I don't even know what - or how..." I couldn't speak properly. My lips were ice and every word that escaped them shattered like glass. 

"Hey, it's alright. You can  tell me about it later...or don't if you don't want to, but we just have to figure out what to do right now in this moment. One step at a time, one move at a time. There isn't anyone around these woods for miles, so we shouldn't have a problem moving it, but that's only if we want to hide it and get away with this. I mean...I'm not sure if we should go to the police for this kind of thing." He sounded unsure. He rambles when he's unsure of something.

He has always been the composed one. Usually, I'm the strong one. I'm smarter than him, I've got more ideas, but he's always been much simpler. He can think clearer in these situations when all I do is scramble for the right words - not that I could compare where we are right now to anything else but a crime scene. I just don't know. I don't know what to do. I should know what to do though. I wish I did.

"Do you know...him?" He asked me suddenly. I was shocked and turned to face him - a bad idea. I saw the body sprawled lifelessly on the winter floor, but its head was turned from me. I couldn't see its eyes.

"N-no, I don't know - I mean, I don't think so. I just don't know. No, no I don't know...him, I don't know who that is."

He looked at me and then he sighed. I didn't like when he sighed; the deep rising and falling of the chest as he breathes in and exhales loudly meant he was disappointed in me. I knew he was. I didn't want him to be. Perhaps he wasn't really upset with me though? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. Hyukjae, it is all okay. You're going to be okay." He crawled over to me and pet my head. I didn't know I was kneeling on the floor, crying again. His hand was so soothing it made me feel better. I had calmed down.

"Really?" I looked up at him, and he seemed so sure. I hoped he was.

"Of course, would I lie to you?" He smiled and all of my worries went away. He was here for me. He was here with me. Always here.

He went back to the body. He was looking for the person's wallet, but he couldn't find anything in any of the pockets he searched. I couldn't stop myself from wondering what would happen next.

What are you supposed to do after murdering someone?


	6. Alright

** Donghae **

 

"I think we should get rid of it. Pretend it never happened." I say as I wipe down the parts I touched with snow and the sleeve of my coat. You can't be too careful after all.

"What?" He asks.

"I mean, even if people find the body or figure out he's dead, there's nothing linking him to you or me, so it shouldn't matter, right?" It seemed reasonable, at least it did in my head.

"You think so? I'll do whatever you say...I just want this to be over." He sounded resigned, defeated. We hadn't even started moving the body and he had already quit. I couldn't let that happen to me.

"Yeah, I think it'll work. We just need to hide the body and his stuff." I looked at the corpse in front of me and I was met with a question that I didn't want to know the answer to. Then he asked it for me and I had no choice.

"But how are we supposed to do that? So there's no trace left?" He doesn't want to know the answer either. I can tell by his voice.

"We'll have to - I don't know - burn it? Bury it? Drop it in the ocean? But it's all iced over now, so we can't do that. I guess we could burn it, but a fire out here would be too noticeable, then we'd have to do something else." I was getting too serious about something so morbid, but I had begun to think about this whole ordeal as if it were a mission or a problem out of a textbook that was assigned for homework. I'd go at it systematically and then find all the possible answers and weed them out until the last one standing was the best option, but this wasn't some math question. This was a person, a dead one.

"Donghae..." He called to me and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "We can burn it. I know a place. There won't be anyone to see us."

He hadn't quit after all.

"Yeah? Okay, I just - I don't know."

"Neither of us know. It's okay, it's alright. We're figuring it out together. Right? You promised, we'd do it together." He smiled. He was always there for me when I got like this. I'd forgotten about it because of the shock, but now I remember. He was never a quitter, never.

"Okay, let's do it then. We'll go there together and we won't quit until we're safe."

"I think I'll be fine from now on. Probably." He grinned at me and all of my worries flew out of me as if a dam had just been opened, and his smile was rushing through me like a flood that flushed out all of my anxiety.

"Alright."


	7. The Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Graphic depictions of death, could be hard for some people to read

** Hyukjae **

 

We decided that I would bring the car as close to the body as the trees would allow. He would stay behind to watch over the body - not that it would be going anywhere. We would then lift the body into the trunk and cover it in case anyone were to look through the window. We would then go to the place I knew where we would be able to - where we were going to  _burn_ the body.

It was an old crematory that had recently closed down. My mom was cremated there before it closed, and when I heard it was closing I looked into it. The new Mayor decided to close it down due to some shady dealings that were rumoured to have taken place inside, but because of some property and sanitation issues there's been a hold on moving all of the equipment out. Everything will be in there, polished and waiting for us to use. Who knew my late night research would turn into a late night murder cover-up?

"Hyukjae? Are you alright? You sure you can do this?" He was looking at me with worry, but I knew I had this. It was so simple. I just had to go get the car.

"Of course, I mean, it's not like I could stay here..." I said, giving one last remorseful and disturbed look at the corpse we would shortly be disposing of.

He brought his lips close together and sent me away. I nodded in silence.

I was on my way through the chilling woods when I realised how cold it actually was. I hadn't noticed the sudden drop in temperature before because I had be so, well,  _distracted_ , but now it was as if I had been shoved into a meat freezer and locked inside with no way out. It didn't help that I was smeared with thawing snow and blood. In a way, I was really trapped in a meat locker - blood, dead and raw meat only metres away, and we were all slowly freezing. I couldn't complain though, at least I wasn't dead.

_Ha_ , what a stupid thing to be thinking of. If I were dead, I wouldn't be able to feel this horrid cold. I wouldn't be able to feel anything for that matter. What happens after you die? Or should it be  _when_ you die? Dying in itself would probably be painful, I'd imagine. When you suffocate or drown it'd be like your insides were being crushed slowly, yet too fast for you to do anything about it. That feeling of needing to  _breathe_ , of reaching for that one last gulp of air, but there's something cutting you off. It'd be the worst pain imaginable.

Dying from an external wound would be different. There are far too many variations of wounds and circumstances to consider, but it would still be better than suffocating. Stab wounds or blunt-force trauma to the head would hurt for a while - especially if you bleed to death. There would be a sharp pain radiating all over your body and you'll want to squirm and scream so everyone knows how much it _hurts_ , but you won't be able to because all the strength will have left your cold body. The blood will flow and you'll start to feel anemic and you'll want to faint so the pain can finally be  _over_ , but something will keep you awake, because you're dying. You are dying and you have to be awake until the very last moment, because that's all you'll have.

At least, that's what I would imagine. I couldn't know what really happens when you die. I wondered if that body - if that person - was in a strange place after death, or if there was simply nothing. It would be horrendously awful if there was nothing and it was just simply, completely dark. You would be a mind, or a soul, and you would be floating or walking in some dark place all by yourself. I think that's worse thank dea-

I reached the car. I had the keys in my pocket and they jingled as I took them out to unlock the door. I stepped into the driver's seat and took several slow breaths to calm myself before I turned the engine on. You weren't supposed to drive when you were mentally unstable, but this situation didn't really call for paying attention to the rules of the road. I would be driving through a forest after all.


	8. Imagine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Depictions of violence

**Donghae**

 

I couldn't think of anything else to do while I waited, so I watched the body. I knew it wasn't going to get up and move around, but I didn't know what else to do. He wasn't around to keep me company, and I was standing in the middle of a forest in the worst winter we've ever had. It wasn't like I could stare at the snow until he got back, so I stared at the corpse.

Today has been strange indeed. It wasn't just the dead stranger in front of me, nor the whole 'my-boyfriend-just-killed-a-person' scenario that was strange, but the entirety of the day has been a string of strange things. First off, the milk for my cereal had curdled when I only bought the bag two days ago. Secondly, when I was on my way back from the grocery store to our house, I was stopped by the police who had sectioned off the road. They were telling everyone it was just a routine DUI check because of the upcoming holidays, but I heard from one of my buddies in the force that there was a murder investigation going on and a dangerous male killer was suspected to be on the loose. To top it all off, the love of my life has probably just killed someone. 

I felt bad for him - I really did - but at the same time all I wanted to do was let my anger and confusion out of its constricted bottle. More than anything, I wanted to know what led to my precious and innocent angel of a man to kill somebody. I wanted to know all of the - literally - bloody details, so I could figure things out myself. I guess that's why I decided to stare at the dead person in front of me instead of the wildlife.

When I got closer, I could tell how they died, or rather  _he_. It sounded wrong on my tongue to call the body anything but they or it or a corpse, if I called it like that then it didn't sound as though it was still living, still a person. That would make it harder to look at. You could clearly see where the blood was coming from though. The stains in the snow showed two focal points where the blood gushed and pooled. The first was coming from the head, and the second from the abdomen. 

I started to imagine how this person died: The hiker was walking through the woods when he saw someone wandering the woods. He went over to see if the person needed helped because he knew these woods like the back of his hand. There was an altercation and the hiker took out his pocket knife in defence, but the other one knocked it from his hands and snatched it from the ground. The hiker leaped on him in hopes it would catch the other off guard, but the person grasped the knife without letting go. The knife cut through the tough winter coat and the layers of cloth until it reached flesh and sliced through the hiker's abdomen as if it were soft butter and not muscle. The hiker coughed up blood, soiling the other's jacket which made them push the wounded man off. The hiker stumbled backwards and fell to the soft snow with a crunch - there was a rock protruding from the white, and soon the hiker was lying there, dyed red.

"Donghae?" He was standing right there, looking at me with that lost expression of his. "I brought the car."

"Oh, right, good job. Let's do this." I scratched my head and tried to forget what I was thinking. As I stood up I caught a glance at the corpse's exposed neck where their coat had been ripped; there were bruises.

I shook my head, it was self-defence mainly, if that's what happened. I won't really know what happened until I ask the only witness, if he ever recovers enough to say. I don't even know if I want the truth. There are so many things that could have happened here, all I can do is imagine.


	9. Test

** Hyukjae **

 

It was now time for one of the worst tests I would ever face. It was going to be worse than any math exam or fitness test I had ever taken, and it wasn't just a matter of physical ability, but of my mentality. I was going to life a dead body into the back of a car, and that was going to be the scariest moment of my life. It might even be worse than when we burn it.

The body will be so close to me, I'll practically be hugging it to get it into the trunk. If you wanted to think about it closely, it'd be like I was coming face to face with my sins. I already feel guilty as it is, for killing a soul, but now there's the guilt of disposing of evidence. It sounds cruel to talk about the body that way, but it's not exactly as if we were going to be putting it to 'rest'.

"Are you ready for this?" He asked me; he was already at one end of the body waiting for me.

"Yep, sorry. I'm - I'm good." I was hesitance, sure, what else would you expect, but I had to do this. It was a simple task. It was like lifting a garbage bag into the trunk, only a little heavier and more human-like.

I regained myself and walked towards the feet of the body. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if i had to stare into its eyes. They were just cold and lifeless marbles in a fleshy skull. Because of me, those once beautiful and stunning eyes were reduced to marbles.

"Remember, life with your knees, not your back." He smiled and it brought my courage to the surface. I felt like I could do this, I couldn't hold us back any longer, or we'd run out of time and fail the test.

I wrapped my hands around the ankles and held tight as I squatted down. He mirrored my actions and grabbed the shoulders. I counted out loud 1-2-3, then we lifted. It was lighter than I thought it would be - or he was doing all of the work - but it was still a struggle to carry it the distance we had to. I wasn't able to bring the car as close as I'd hoped and we had around twenty metres to go.

It was going well, and I could see the hood of the car between the tree branches. There was a sudden overwhelming feeling that rushed through me. I didn't recognize what it was at first - maybe because I didn't  _want_ to recognize it. I realised, with faint horror, that it was happiness. I was glad that the finish line was in sight, and like a marathon runner I could soon collapse and be rid of this that was weighing me down. 

My flush of emotions took me away and I didn't see the root poking out of the snow until it was too late. My grip released and I fell into the snowy ground. As I sunk deep into the ground, my mind numbed. I didn't mind the snow that bit at my face or the air that was slowly escaping my lungs as the snow cocooned my mouth and nose. I wanted only for the cold, soft, white take me in its embrace and bring me away from this place. I didn't want to go back; I didn't want to lay my fingers on it again; I didn't want to face the facts. I did not want that. It was a situation you didn't want to be in, but there was no way out. There weren't any other options for me.


	10. What's Important

** Donghae **

 

I had to leave him in the car with the body for a few minutes. I thought that covering our tracks would be a good idea, and by that I meant the blood stains. I was watching the ground as I walked at a steady pace and I noticed that we had left a trail of blood from the crime scene to the car. I kicked nearby snow on top of the blood marks and stomped on it until the snow sunk into the ground. I would then cover it with more snow in case the eerie red peeked through. I repeated this process painstakingly until I got back to the source. I wasn't sure how I was going to cover up that much blood. 

I pushed nearby snow closer to the pool of blood bleeding into the ground and dispersed it on top. I then brought over some fallen branches to lay on top and threw on some extra snow for good measure. I was hoping that by the time anyone else decided to go for a winter hike in the woods, the snow would have melted and the blood would be in the ground, or at least not very noticeable. I didn't think anyone would come this far into the woods in the middle of winter, but you could never be too cautious.

After a few minutes of adjusting my handiwork, I took a step back; there was no visible trace of blood left after I was finished. I was quite proud of my work, if you could be proud of such a thing. If we really did get caught, this would only seal the deal on my part in it all. Assisted manslaughter, aiding and abetting, a tool in the crime. I don't know what it's called, but it's not good, and I knew I wouldn't get off scot free. No one ever did in this situation.

I got back to the car as soon as I was sure the blood was hidden. I was worried about him, having to be alone in the car with a dead body in the back. It couldn't have been the most pleasant couple of minutes ever. I looked into the window of the car door and saw that him staring straight ahead. He didn't even noticed me. I tapped my knuckles against the glass beside his face and he turned to look at me, startled. He looked as if he had just seen a ghost.

"The door's locked." I said. He unlocked the doors and I went around to get into the driver's seat. I watched him carefully as I put my seat belt on. "How are you doing?" I laid my hand on his thigh and rubbed soothing circles; it helped him de-stress. Soon enough, I could see his shoulders drop and he let out a short breath.

"Not so good, ya know, but what can I expect after something like this? It's just so... unbelievable. I can't even begin to understand how we're being so calm right now, or at least how you are... I mean, that's a - a dead..." His eyes wandered to the back of the car and then darted back and found me. 

"I understand. I may not know everything, but I can understand you, because I know you." I brought my lips close and tried to smile for him, but it didn't go all the way and ended as a crooked grin. "You know," I gazed out the window at the trees, "we're not really calm. Nobody could be calm at a time like this, not deep down. People just handle these things differently, and besides, we don't have time to freak out right now. Not if we want to get through this. That's why we're going to get this done and we're going to be fine. After that, we'll have all the time in the world to freak out and tear ourselves away, but when that time comes I  _will_ be there with you. We can do it together. We will be together. That's important - it's  _so_ important right now."

His hand found mine and he squeezed it tightly. I looked back at his face to see shimmering tears cascading downwards in a spiraling waterfall. His eyes were red and his teeth clenched together, but he was just looking forward and nodding his head with our hands entwined.


	11. Certainty

~~~~** Hyukjae **

 

 The road was quiet - there were no cars around.  _Lucky_ , I thought as it dimmed our chances of being caught by someone who might peer into our car by accident. It would be difficult to see the body since it was hidden under some blankets, garbage bags, and a toolbox or two. I knew that the probability of something really bad happening was low, although our plan wasn't going to just go off without a hitch, but there was still this subconscious voice hanging out in the back of my head that was whispering words of defeat and doubt. The voice was screaming at me over and over again all the bad words that I couldn't handle right now.

I couldn't calm down the entire ride because of it. Every time we stopped beside a car or someone walking on the sidewalk got a bit too close, I would fidget with my fingers incessantly. There was this aching feeling inside of me that'd they would see through our facade and we'd be immediately hauled off to jail.

"Take a right here," I said when I realised which road we were on.

"Sure." He looked over at me for a split second before watching the road again. "Are you sure that where we're headed is safe?"

I was silent. I could feel his eyes on me ever since we got into the car. He's always watching, always checking, and I know it's because I'm unstable right now. I'm not in a position to be upset by that, but for an second I hated him for saying that. I had to take a minute to correct myself. I couldn't hate him, not after what he's doing for me. I didn't want to feel this way, but I was just so damn peeved. How could anyone know for certain that what they're doing is safe? In my honest opinion, nothing is ever truly right or wrong and neither is it ever truly safe or dangerous. Maybe that's just me, but I did have to reassure him, because if I replied half-heartedly, I'm sure he would get upset and we'd have to rethink everything.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I mean, it's been out of service for a while, and they aren't supposed to be doing any construction on it for a while. At the worst, there would be one or two squatters? Or maybe some stupid teenagers breaking in on a dare."

"If it's squatters, they'll be too messed up to care, and if it's some kids, we can scare 'em off easy." He tried to joke, but I could see through it. He was irritated. Not exactly irritation, but more of a nervous support system to cope with what was going on. I couldn't blame him - I was probably doing the same thing too, by over-analyzing every little thing.

"I just really hope that everything is still functional," I say this as I looked out the window and watch the trees whip by. "Oh, turn left up here."

"Yeah, I'm hoping that there's something we can put him in. Like it wouldn't be  _too_ suspicious to carry around an urn in our backseat."

I looked at him from the corner of my eye and grew a bit agitated. I didn't like how he referred to the body as 'him' - it didn't ring right in my ears.

"Hey Donghae?"

"Hmm? What is it?" We were stopped at a red light and he turned to look at me fully.

"Are you sure that we can get through all of this?" 


	12. Normal

** Donghae **

 

"How many times do I have to tell you?" I tried to smile, but my muscles wouldn't move the way I wanted them to. I was just so tired. I don't know when it happened, but I was worn out. We weren't even halfway finished and there was still so much to do. I was beginning to wish that I had never been involved. It's a bad thing to think, I know, but it's only human. Right?

He didn't answer me, but he nodded and looked away instead. The rest of the ride was quiet. I almost thought it was going to end perfectly, until we came across a roadblock. A very large roadblock indeed - and I'm not speaking metaphorically, I mean literally. A few cars ahead I could make out flashing lights and several orange and black stands used for sectioning off parts of the road. I slowed down and followed the car ahead of me with caution. I couldn't be sure, but I had a sinking suspicion that it was the same police check that I had been caught in earlier today.  _Why am I such an idiot?_ I should have remembered. This could be detrimental.

"Are you seeing this, Hyuk?" I asked as I took my seat belt off carefully.

"Yeah. What are you doing?" He sounded worried.

"Our coats. We didn't take our coats off."

"Our coats?"

"The blood, Hyuk, the blood." I quickly shed myself of my jacket and twisted myself backwards where I stuffed it underneath the pile of blankets, close to the body. I looked back at the road and then at him. He was frozen solid, his hand hesitating at his seat belt buckle. "What are you doing? We need to be fast."

He still wouldn't move. I looked ahead. The lineup of cars was currently stopped, so I took my chance. I pushed his hands away and took his seat belt off. My hands ripped his jacket off of his shaking body and I pushed it underneath the pile until it was well hidden. It scared him, but he wasn't going to act. What else was I supposed to do?

The cars continued to inch forward until it was our turn and I stopped beside an officer in a bright orange and yellow best. I rolled down the window and leaned out to hear him speak.

"We're just doing a routine check." The policeman's voice was gruff and unimpressed. He squinted as he glanced into our car.

"Isn't this a bit much for a routine check?" I asked and I tried to sound normal and composed.

"Yeah, well, can never be too careful. Where are you coming from?" The officer looked me up and down and then looked towards the passenger seat. His eyes veered towards the back of the car. My hands gripped the steering wheel just a little too tightly.

"Just from the park about a kilometre or two down from the University. A good day for a little walk."

"I see. Did you have any alcoholic drinks on your walk?"

"No sir," I smiled and he nodded. He backed up and waved me off. "Have a nice day then," I said as I drove off.

As soon as we were back on the road I let out the huge breath I had been holding. I almost had to pull over and take breather for how relieved I was. It was a miracle that we got through that with no trouble.

"That was a close one. I think I threw up a little in my mouth." He said to me and he was starting to sound normal again, but his voice was shaky.

"I'm sorry, for earlier, but we're going to get through this. You and me." I held his hand in mine for the rest of the ride. I was afraid that he would slip back into despair if I were to let go.

 


	13. Whoops

** Hyukjae **

 

It was snowing again when we arrived at the crematory. The serene white covered the ground like a blanket, and we were about to trample all over it. We would tear the blanket off of the innocent and dormant Earth. In a way, that was what we would be doing, or what we have been doing. Killing someone and leaving our footprints in the snow was as good as something like that, or as bad as.

"I'm going to check if it's all clear on the inside. You stay here and keep watch?" He asked me as the engine of the car grumbled to a stop.

"Oh yeah, yeah I can do that." I watched his broad back as he left, and I had this feeling inside of me that he didn't fully trust me right now.

Who's to blame him for not trusting me? I've done nothing to make him trust me lately. A few weeks ago I had to cancel one of our plans, but I couldn't tell him the reason why. Ever since then it's been one mistake after the other and we're barely hanging on. I'm surprised he hasn't left me yet. I've been so distant, I know I have - I can feel it just as much as he can. Honestly, I don't know why I'm like this anymore. I've been doing things that I shouldn't, and I can't explain why. One minute I'm perfectly fine and enjoying our day together, and the next thing I know I'm hanging around in a bar waiting to be kicked out at last call. It's not like me. It's not like me at all. I really want to go back to normal, but I'm just so tired.

"Hey, it's all good in there. We'd better get a move on though, in case anyone sees us." He was back and he looked better, calmer. 

"Great, let's go." I got out of the car and followed him to the trunk. I didn't want to come close to the body again, but I had to if all of this was going to end. I bit my lip and pushed everything from my mind.

"On three." He met my eyes, "One... two... three!" He heaved the body into the air and I mimicked his actions. We held it between us and walked quickly towards the building when my grip loosened. 

The fabric covering the body slipped out of my fingers and I fell to the hard, cold ground with a thud. The body hit the floor beside me. I winced as my knee scraped the pavement under the thin layer of snow, and I was about to let out a cry of pain when I realised it didn't actually hurt. There was a numbing sensation radiating from my body, and I felt nothing.

"What are you doing?!" He snapped at me and I quickly scrambled to my feet. After I had a firm grip around the legs, he looked at me cautiously and added, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, don't worry about it." I looked down, ashamed of myself. I shouldn't have messed up like that, it was a real dumb move for me - all of it.


	14. Weird

** Donghae **

 

Somehow - I don't know how - we were able to get the body inside without being seen. It was true that I was a little - and just a  _little_ \- frustrated with him now. It wasn't all his fault, and I knew that. My nerves were just a jittering mess right now. This entire predicament has proven to be trying for me, and I was letting those emotions get the better of me. I made up my mind to explain that to him when all of this was over. Knowing him, he would be beating himself up over the entire thing when it wasn't even his fault. It's all on me one way or the other. No, wait, no one should be at fault here. We have done nothing wrong after all.

"It's this way." He said to me, his voice dejected. I followed him. I really wanted to apologize, but now wasn't the time.

"Right," I said. We had been reduced to dragging the body after what happened outside. His strength was fading, I could see that.

"Do you think there'll be any urns left?" He asked me, turning his head around to look at me.

"I hope so, it doesn't look all that bad in here." I said, looking around at the almost perfectly clean interior, the only thing out of place was the dust and dark hallways. "If not, we could just use a box. I'm sure we'll find one of those around here." It didn't change the fact that it was still plain weird.

"Yeah. I don't think they've started cleaning everything out yet."

"I'll look around in a little." We were talking so casually about what we would be putting the ashes in. It was as if hiding a body was as common as hiding your Halloween candy.

It was quiet after that. There wasn't really much to talk about. The only sound that echoed the empty halls was that of the body dragging across the floor. The  _scritch_ and  _scratch_ of the coat and the  _thwack_ and  _thump_ of the arms that hung limp and knocked into the walls or the body or us - it rang out in the abandoned crematory at intermittent paces. It was too dark to try and avoid every obstacle in our way, what could we do? Instead, we let the chilling sounds go on, and when I looked down I noticed the trail of blood and snow we had mopped the pristine floor with. I made a mental note that we'd have to go back and clean that up.

It was weird how I was processing this. It was incredible that amidst all of this horror and trauma, I'd be able to think seriously to myself that all of this was okay. It wasn't okay, but it was happening, and I had to be rational about all of the decisions we were making and how we were going to get through this. 

"It should be in here," he stopped just ahead of me. "I really hope this works."


	15. Fault

**Hyukjae**

 

There was a room at the back of the building. It was dark and carried a damp odour that floated through the air with a mixture of burning fire. I always liked the smell of fire, especially campfires, but it this was a disturbing stench. This was not the aroma of a delightful campfire where you roast marshmallows and tells ghost stories, this was the smell of burning bodies at an incredibly high temperature.

I looked around for a light switch and found one on the left side of the entrance. There was a long whining buzz before the lights finally blinked on. The room was now full of light, and I noticed it didn't have any windows. That meant no one spying on us, hopefully.

The room was a lot like the rest of the building: spotless. It hadn't been long enough for the city to start moving everything out, but it had been long enough that no one would still be around this late at night. In the back of the room there was a large metal machine that stood almost as tall as the ceiling. It had a small latched door at the front which opened and closed from a bar handle on the outside. On its left side there was a large panel where the controls were, I could just make out the dim blinking of a light.

"Hey Donghae, it looks like it still works." I said, pointing to the panel. He nodded and went closer to inspect it.

"Yeah, I think this will work. The power should still be connected to the building, seeing as the lights are still functional. I'll work this out, and you can find us a trolley or stretcher?" He asked me.

"What do we need a stretcher for?"

He didn't answer me, his lips tightly closed. I saw his eyes dart from me to the body and back again. My mouth opened and I realised what he meant. A stretcher was more reliable than I was when it came to lifting a body.

"R-right. Got it. I'll go look in the next room." I stumbled on my way out the door, too distracted to see the arm in front of my foot.

I left the room a little spooked, but I wasn't going to let that affect what I had to do. I was already a mess because of this... I didn't want to become an even bigger liability. It's all my fault, it really is. Because I killed someone, because I murdered someone, because of me he's suffering.

I walked into the room next door and fumbled in the darkness. This room had windows and the soft moonlight shone on a metal table in the corner. I went over and saw it had wheels. I was about to push it back to him when my ankle rolled on the floor and I dropped to the ground. I tried to get back up, but my body wasn't responding to my orders, so I stayed. I laid on the cold floor and thought.

I thought about a few hours ago when it all began. I tried to think about what happened in those woods when he wasn't there and it was just me all by myself. I wanted to make sense of it all, so that I could somehow make it up to him. I wasn't sure how, but I was going to make him see that this wasn't his fault and it was going to be okay. I didn't know how I was going to do that, so I thought harder. What happened? I was desperately trying to remember but all I saw was red. How did I kill that  _person?_ What happened in those woods? I couldn't remember anything clearly.

It was suddenly all very blurry. I didn't know whose fault it was anymore. I knew that somebody died just a few hours ago, but all the minute details were gone. What was I doing before they died? How did I get separated from him? Where was he when I was all alone? Who was he before he was just a corpse? When did this all happen and why would I kill someone? I worked my brain harder and harder, but I couldn't even remember their face.

My mind grew frantic and I began to imagine crazy things - things that didn't make any sense at all. I couldn't remember anything about the death, so maybe it didn't even happen. What if I wasn't the one who killed them? Maybe they were already dead when I got there and it wasn't my fault... It wasn't my fault. That could mean it wasn't his fault either. What if we were going to these great lengths and for nothing? We've come too far to turn back, maybe I should keep quiet. Maybe none of this is really happening.

"Hyukjae? Are you alright?" He was standing in the doorway, the moonlight shining on his contorted face. I got to my feet and looked from the table to him.

"I found one." I said, but my voice faltered and I was afraid that I was going to burst into tears. I knew I couldn't do that to him - I wasn't allowed to, not until all of this was over. I had to be strong. For him.


	16. A Task

** Donghae **

 

We headed back to the burning room. I was pushing the trolley while he was dragging his feet behind me with his head held low. He looked like a ghost; his face was a ghastly pale white and he hadn't said a word since before. I wanted to pull him close to me and let his tears fall down my shoulder, but I also wanted him to do that for me. 

My thoughts were a mess; I was trying to think of a plan for after all of this, but everything I thought lead me back to the beginning. Suddenly, I saw him standing in front of me with blood on his coat and red hands crawling up his back. I stopped abruptly and felt his head gently bump into my back. I turned around and hugged him. His quiet sniffles were muffled even more by my broad chest, yet it made me hold him tighter. We stayed together until the time was right and I let go. He wiped his eyes and averted my gaze. I couldn't imagine what he must have been feeling right then. I wanted all of this to come to an end, and soon.

"Okay, let's get this over with then." I said, trying to change the strange atmosphere building between us. 

He nodded and walked towards the body on the floor. It was easier this time to lift the corpse onto the trolley. I rolled it over to the large machine and aligned the body with the small square door. While he was looking for the trolley, I was able to turn on the machine and start the fire. According to the flickering green light, it had reached the ideal temperature to burn a human body - which is 760°C-982°C. 

I opened the door and backed up from the roaring heat that escaped. The flames were roaring loudly and the waves of scorching heat flashed towards me as if they were coming directly for me. There was no time to hesitate, so I clenched my teeth and pushed the body inside the crematory. The door slammed shut and it was inside. It was almost done. 

It felt strange. Only seconds ago, I mercilessly pushed a corpse into an incinerator, but I wasn't feeling overwhelmed, a little warm if anything. This entire predicament has been by far the strangest thing I have ever found myself in the middle of. I never imagined that I would be covering up a murder for my boyfriend, but I did think I'd be a little bit more freaked out of this, especially this part. I didn't feel 'grossed out' from handling a dead person, and I wasn't feeling guilty about shoving it into the fire. I saw it merely as something that needed to be done. It was a task that needed completing; it was a problem that could be solved. Although rationally, I knew that that was what it was - a task - but in my mind, and even worse in my heart, there was nothing. No empathy, no compassion, no guilt or remorse, there was nothing.

I was disposing of a murder victim with the same mindset that I make my morning coffee with. It was disturbing, but I couldn't do anything about it. If I suddenly stopped to reassess myself, what would become of him? My poor, innocent boy with the blood covered coat. I had to protect him. I had no time to think, there is only time to act, so that's what I did. 


	17. The Machine

** Hyukjae **

 

I watched as he shoved the body into the incinerator. That enormous machine was brought to life with its devouring flames at the flip of a switch. The fire was hidden quietly within the machine, because you couldn't have open flame flying everywhere now could you, but despite that I could steel feel the heat. The overpowering heat radiated towards me. I felt the room begin to shrink and collapse in on me. The fire grew above me like a roaring lion ready to pounce. I felt no warmth, only a raging fire that is always running around me in a mocking dance. 

The room became to stuffy for me to bear, so I stepped out into the hallway. I didn't bother looking back to see if he had followed me out. I wished he wouldn't, but I knew that wasn't a possibility. I didn't want him to see me like this - with my emotions unstable and uncontrollable; I didn't feel like myself anymore. The only true thing in my mind was that what we were doing was because of me. The last thing I wanted was to cause anymore problems. The last thing I wanted was for him to come to hate me. 

"Hey." He was towering above me. "Mind if I sit?" I shook my head. He leaned against the wall and slid his back down. When he plopped on the ground, the dust and debris was momentarily stirred in the air. 

We sat for a couple of minutes in the silence. Although it couldn't be complete silence. There was the background noise from the machine. Mechanical whirring and the grinding of gears along with the hushed roar of the fire. It sent shivers down my spine. There wasn't a bone in my body that wanted to stay here. I wanted to be far away from that noise. I was about to stand up when he opened his mouth.

"I'm sorry." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"What?"

"I said, I'm sorry."

"I heard, but why? You didn't even-" My words got caught in my throat.

"I know. I know what you want to say, but I'm still sorry for my actions. I think I haven't been too considerate of your feelings. It's just, we had to act quickly without time to properly process any of it. It's been one thing after another and I can see how that has had a negative effect on you." He didn't look at me when he spoke, his gaze low and focused on the some point on the ground. His tone was rushed, giving me the impression he'd been thinking this over for some time.

"Well," I cautiously began," we'll have plenty of time now, since it takes two hours to burn it all, and don't ask how I know that, it's just a weird fact."

He finally looked at me, but it was as though his eyes were staring right through me. "I'll make everything better, I promise."

I stared at my boots. They were caked in mud and snow and blood. I wiped a bit off onto the sleeve of my coat, revealing the shoe underneath. 

"I'm going to go watch the entrance." I suddenly said as I stood up and dusted off my pants.

He grabbed my hand before I could go and looked right at me, this time really looking at me. He said something, but I couldn't heard him; all I could hear was the machine.

 


	18. Funny

** Donghae **

 

I was stunned. I stood solemnly in the middle of the burning room. He had left me. When I reached out for him - to tell him - he had left. I knew he was coming back, he had to come back, but there was something inside that feared he wouldn't. I had to fight the urge to chase after him, to pull him close to me and never let him go, but I knew that that wasn't what he needed. He needed this time to be alone. Selfish me, wanted him to stay a while longer, if only so I wouldn't be alone. 

The room was heating up. I unzipped my coat to withstand the heat. Because my mind would go crazy if I did nothing, I started to look around for something to put the ashes in, because there would be ashes. I figured there must be something among all this mess that I could use for the remains. It couldn't be too conspicuous though. I thought that it'd be good if they had any urns left over.

I walked over to a pile of documents strewn on the floor and some fallen shelves. I knelt down and sifted through the papers. A few of them caught my eyes and I lingered upon them, eavesdropping on pointless files that had nothing to do with anything concerning either of us. Human nature to be curious I suppose. One of them was stats on how many bodies had been burned that day, that month, that year. Another was company policy about safety and hazards.  _I guess we'd be fired for not wearing the proper safety requirements_ , I snickered but then caught myself. What was I even doing?

Snooping through things I shouldn't, I could get away with, but making jokes in a crematory? Not cool. Especially when murder was involved. I thought that I must have been going crazy, and for a minute, I was going to blame it on him. Meanwhile, the corpse was burning to a crisp and it almost smelt like burnt toast, or maybe burnt popcorn. Before I knew it, I was laughing inaudibly. It was the type of laugh where your stomach hurts and your mouth is wide open but nothing exits except for bad breath and a few wheezes maybe. It was sad, and it was hysterical.


	19. Sweltering

**Hyukjae**

 

It was cold outside. Obviously it was cold outside. It was winter. Somehow this cold was different. I could feel it in my bones, as if the cold was creeping inside of me, working its way from the inside out. Each small gust of wind seemed to blow right through me and I felt so cold. 

I rubbed my arms and blew warm air into my hands as I scoped the scenery for anything suspicious. It wasn't likely that anyone would be out here, since it was in the middle of winter and this was a soon to be demolished building. A place that was off limits to civilians, excluding murderers of course. I don't even know why I was standing watch; there was nothing to watch.

Then I saw it on the ground. The blood trail coming straight from the truck. I figured I ought to do something about it, as it would be bad if it didn't melt and the blood froze impressionably into the snow. I started to walk away from the building and trampled all over the bloody snow. My shoes began to get wet and it was chilling my feet to the point I couldn't feel them. They had become completely numb and I wasn't sure if they were still there, but that didn't stop me. 

I was ecstatic that I could feel something, even if it was numbing. This time the feeling was something different. It wasn't pain, or sorrow, or that unforgettable heart wrenching clutch, this time it was the cold. It numbed me and it froze me and it made me so happy. I was overjoyed.

The car was in front of me by the time I realised it. I peered in through the window. My breath fogged up the outside and I ran the tip of my red finger across the glass. A streak that quickly faded away. I blew on the window again and it reappeared. I smiled and started to write something else so that we could both look at it later, together. If it stayed that long.

"-jae! Hyukjae!" I heard him shouting my name into the chilly air, and I whipped my head around. He was standing in the entrance of the building and he looked worried. I ran over to him, disregarding the blood trail completely. 

"What?" I asked, out of breath.

"Have you been out here this whole time?!" He shrieked and pulled my body close to his; it was warm, alive. I could hear his heart beating fast and irregularly.

"Yeah, I guess so. It hasn't been that long though." I pulled away but he resisted and pulled me back even closer. I struggled and tried to get away but he was too strong. His body was a radiator and it was turned up too high. It wasn't like I wanted to get away from his embrace, and I wasn't upset anymore, it was just too hot.

"Two hours! It's been two hours you've been out here and the damn thing's stopped the fire already." He finally let go of me, but he held my hand as we walked inside. He kept on staring at me and then spoke up. "Aren't you freezing from being out there?"

I looked at him, confused, and answered. "No, I'm sweltering."


	20. Burn

**Donghae**

 

One minute I'm positive that he's getting better, and the next I'm crippled with worry. At times, I admit that he scares me. There isn't really anything I can do about it. For now, all I can focus on is getting us away from here in one piece. 

We walked back to the incinerator room with my hand entwined in his - it caught me by surprise but it really was warm despite the weather. The machine was giving off a slow enticing beep when we arrived at the room. I left him at the door while I turned off the power to the machine. I braced myself, ready for the blast of hot air that would surely release itself from within when I unlatched the door. However, I didn't get that far as the latch was burning hot. I cursed and shook by burnt fingers in the air while I blew on them. 

"Are you okay? Oh my god, I'll go get some water, or, or snow I will get some snow!" He started to freak out and ran out of the room. I shook my head and held my hand close to my chest while I looked around for some gloves.

Luckily, there was a paid of heavy duty work gloves laying on a shelf next to the cremator. Beside them were some saftey goggles, so I grabbed those for safe measure. I felt a bit more prepared, and I decided on opening the door even though he had left to get snow for my burn. I figured that it'd be better if he didn't have to see the inside of this machine. I wasn't so keen on seeing it myself, granted I didn't know what to expect. Before this, I've never looked into the whole cremation process. I started to wonder if it would be only ashes left inside, or if I would be left with the task of breaking up the heated down bone.

I think that in my mind I was imagining a monster from folk lore. A red so deep and vibrant it was like a burning coal only in human shape and form. I pictured a long and straggly thing with sunken flesh and hot bones that crackled with fire and flame, still burning from the inside out. This thing of nightmares I could see grasping its way out from the flames with its bone flaking off as it moved, and it's hollowed eyes would bore holes deep into my own flesh. Those deep sacks would burn into me, burning me. I reached for a long pole that had a flat end, almost like a hoe, and put my gloved hand sturdily on the handle.

It was then that an image flashed before me. More than an image, it was as if I had walked into a scene of a movie, only there were no actors, and it was real life. At first I was shocked and I wanted to scream and cry because it was him. He was back in the woods and he had a knife in his hands. The knife, and the hands which held it, were covered in blood - dripping. He held the blade gingerly, as though it were a dangerous bomb on its last seconds. He looked at me and his eyes were full of indescribable pain. He smiled and a trickle of blood escaped his mouth before he fell to his knees. His head turned in the opposite direction.

I extended my hand and took a step towards him, but was stunned as my forehead hit the top of the incinerator door. The impact stung and I stumbled backwards. The vision had been so real that I believed I was there.  _What did I see?_   I couldn't think about it for too long however, as I had unknowingly free the door of its latch and the remaining heat slowly poured out into the room. 

I heard him come back to the room. His arms were full of snow, and he was watching as the dull fire slowly died from within that metal beast. I saw the skeleton inside. It wasn't how I imagined. It was a greyed out brown instead of the vibrant red I'd seen. Seeing this, I realised how dangerous and incredible the machine was. I wasn't surprised it had burnt me this badly.


	21. Crumbling

**Hyukjae**

 

That thing inside that machine wasn't human. It no longer resembled a human body. If there had been any remote feelings for that thing within me, they weren't there anymore - it repulsed me, but at the same time I was struck with an overwhelming sadness. That  _thing_ couldn't even be called a corpse. Those crumbled ashes were unrecognizable and otherworldly and if you told me that it used to be a living person - less, a body with a form - I would lock you away in the psych ward. That thing inside that machine would soon be ash and then what would it be? Remains? That seems harsh to me. It'd be like calling dirt by a special name and treating it as a sacred artifact never to be tainted. That's absurd.

That awful, alien  _thing_. Most of it was gone, reduced to hardly anything, but what was left was a quiet orange, crumbling without even a touch. It's head, still barely intact, was dry and cracked; it oozed an unknown liquid, probably results of the fire. Could something that horrid even be called a body? It was gross. Revolting. It was so fucking sad, and it was all my fault.

The snow that I had huddled close to me in a hurry was starting to melt. I began to feel the cold, it was as though a strong gust of wind had blown right through me on an autumn day. I looked down and then dropped my arms to my sides, letting the snow plummet downwards. He didn't need it. He was already breaking apart the collapsing bone. I was foolish to bring it.

I watched his broad shoulders as they tore through the burnt bone and flesh. He didn't appear to be so affected by it. I didn't think he had put much thought into what he was doing, but if I really looked past the strong man aura he was putting up, I'd see the fragility he held akin to those bones and dust. Both of them would break with the slightest touch.

"Can you bring me that urn?" He asked me. I nodded and picked up the delicate object, giving is a quick glance before I set it on the metal trolley next to him. 

"You found one." I stated, dejected.

"Yeah. We'll need to somehow move this ash into there...oh, there's a slot here." He pointed out the thin slot that was close to the door of the incinerator. The slot dropped down into a hollow box. Using the tool in his hands, he pulled all of the ash forwards. I could hear the ash piling into the box and there was this crushing feeling that washed over my chest.

This crushing morphed into a crippling pain and I sank to my knees. I had to hold onto the trolled for whatever little support I could garner. I bit my lip and looked up, but he hadn't noticed me. He just kept sweeping the ash up into the box like nothing had happened. I didn't even exist right now. I was struck with an unbelievable feeling of loneliness, and then something flashed in my mind, like a thought that you'd forgotten about, but now decided to resurface itself.

It was my hands. They were covered in blood and shaking. There was a biting pain in my side similar to a cramp after eating too fast. There was also a knife. In my hands? I got the feeling that I'd just pulled it out of something it was stuck in. There was rushing blood, like a crimson waterfall that poured and poured without rest. It was so red.  _The colour of life_ \- that's what I was thinking at that time.

I opened my eyes and he was shaking my shoulders violently. I smiled slowly and he said something. He said it was almost over, and he said we could go now. He kept on shaking me and telling me that it was going to be okay. He said we could be relieved and happy because nothing bad would happen now, but I couldn't comprehend his words or his actions. His eyes were sad and full of tears and he was crying to me. 


	22. Maybe

**Donghae**

 

The urn was almost full of ash. I was scraping the last bits of it into the pot. I figured that this was probably going to be the last big step of the plan. After this, we would be in the clear and everything would be over. If that was true, then why did I feel so shitty? I was being ripped apart from the inside and there was something that desperately needed to be said. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and let whatever may happen, happen, but there wasn't much that could happen now. All we had have to do is... I couldn't think. My mind was blank and my eyes were full of tears.  _Why am I being like this? Why does it hurt so much?_ All that's left is to dispose of the remains. That's all. Then it'll be done. Why was that so hard for me to accept? I wiped my tears and blinked away the tears.

"Come on, we're getting out of here." I said and turned around, but he wasn't there.  _Weird, he was just beside me._

He wasn't anywhere in the room and I started to panic. I put the lid on the urn and closed the door to the machine, making sure it was safely turned off before I left the room with the urn. My eyes scanned every corner and every room in search of him. I was worried; what if something had happened? The last time I lost him, well, to put it bluntly, he killed someone. I knew how cruel and ridiculous that sounded, but what else was I supposed to say?  _Maybe he killed again._ A little voice in my head spoke. It didn't make any sense; there wasn't anyone around. I wasn't thinking straight.

I called his name and I could feel my heartbeat rising the longer I searched. My mind started to wander and that image flashed in my mind again. It was the knife dripping with blood, and just like before he was there too. This time it was a little different. The knife was in my hands, not his. I shook my head and looked down at my hands, expecting to see the blade and my hands covered in blood, but there was only the urn. I wasn't thinking straight.  _Maybe I'm going crazy._

My feet stopped in their tracks as I reached the doors. The snow had accumulated quite a bit in these past few minutes. It was starting to look like a winter wonderland. I was about to go back inside to continue his search, but then my eyes landed on a set of fading footprints leading to the snow. Only a few were visible, but I could tell where they leaded - the car.  _Maybe he just went to get the car warmed up..._ I figured that was most plausible and trudged through the snow.

When I got to the car, I could see the shaded outline of his upper body through the fogged up window and let out a sigh of relief.  _Thank god he's alright._ I opened the trunk and I put the urn in the same place the body had been lying only hours ago. We were on the home stretch now.

 


	23. A Dream

**Hyukjae**

 

The heater in the car was on full blast, but it was cold. The leather seats had a warmer and were 'high-quality', but they were hard and uncomfortable. He'd just come in from the cold winter air, but he was warm. His hand was slowly caressing mine, but he was so far away from me. I felt like I wasn't in the car. I experienced things like I was far away, seeing it all in a dream.

How scary would that be? If this was all a dream, rather a nightmare... How could I even imagine that? How could I doubt that this wasn't real, as I hear and feel every minute of it? That's sick. Of course this was happening. Of course this was real; it had to be. If this was a dream, I would know it. I've realised that while you sleep and live out your dream, there is no time to doubt reality. Everything is caught up in the moment and things progress with a fervor that there is no time left to stop and think about foolish things like dreams. On top of that, dreams can last forever and feel like only ten seconds have passed, while I know that it's been hours since all of this started. I can feel the exhaustion.

So no, this can't be a dream. I was a fool for ever thinking it could be, yet I still find myself unable to comprehend the things around me. It's as though they're fading away into the background, moving further from my reach. Frankly, it scares me. There's that creeping thought that  _he_ might fade too. I have to embrace this reality as truth because I cannot lose him. No matter what may happen. If he were to disappear, then I would follow. I am nothing without him - it's something I've come to realise more than anything, so I must stay grounded. I have to pull myself back to this world, even though I may be floating away.

"You okay?" He asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts. I blink and smile and look at him and my heart fills with determination.

"Fine. Yeah, I'm good." I nod in reassurance, but I can see his doubtful eyes that can't quite accept my words. Despite this, he puts the gear to drive and we're back on the road.

"Alright then. We're almost done baby, let's go. I promise we are almost home." He grips my hand in his and his warmth seeps right through me. Then I remember those words and I'm taken away to a place that is painfully familiar.

I'm standing inside our house and he looks as me with his adoring eyes. He walks over to me and wraps one arm around my waist while his other hand brushed the hair from my eyes. He leans close to me and softly kisses my lips with so much affection and love that I can see it pouring from the seams of his body. However, this scene is smudged like a fingerprint on a camera lens. Then with sudden clarity, a wine glass falls from the kitchen counter and shatters into a thousand pieces on the floor.

The windshield wipers clear the snow away, but it quickly returns. We're back on the road home and we're far away from the crematorium. On my left is my beautiful man, and to my back is my beautiful blue urn. It truly is beautiful. Exquisite, elegant, and with a design that reminded me of something I'd find in my grandmother's basement, but also something that should be kept within the greatest art museum. It was like something from a dream.


	24. Winter Wonderland

**Donghae**

 

I wasn't sure how, but I had driven all the way back home. I parked the car in the driveway on top of the freshly fallen snow.  _That's going to be a pain to shovel._ I got out of the car and walked to the trunk where I took out the urn and the bloodied blankets. There were a few droplets of blood that were soaked into the rough fabric of the trunk.  _Detergent might get that out._

I walked up to the front door and pulled out my keys. The door opened on a quiet house. I walked inside and closed the door. The keys I put in a small dish that was kept on a decorative shelf just beside the door. It wasn't my idea to put it there, but after months of losing my keys, my boyfriend surprised me with it. The dish has previously been collecting dust, and now it had a use. He told me that he was tired of me always yelling about where the keys were and him having to find them. One time they were in the fridge next to the eggs. We laughed about that one a lot afterwards.

I continued deeper into the house. The bloodied blankets I dropped into the laundry basket on my way to the back of the house. I'd forgotten to take my shoes off and they were leaving a trail of wet sludge on the floor.  _That might stain...I'll mop it later._ I wasn't entirely bothered by the mess, I just had to get to the back door.

I stood in front of the clear sliding doors. It looks out upon wonderful scenery. This season was our favourite. It's why we got this house in the first place. The backyard led into a thick forest that went on for miles and miles, and it was all ours to explore. We didn't really have any neighbours this far out. In the other seasons, summer especially, you couldn't see anything beyond the first few rows of trees. The density made the forest look scary and mysterious; who knew what was lurking out there. Winter was a different story. 

It was so serene. The snow blanketed the earth and covered the leafless trees with a fluffy white coat. This sight became what we looked forward to the most every winter. It was quiet too. Most of the animals were in hibernation. If you were extremely quiet, you could hear the wind blowing through the dead limbs of the trees. It was incredibly peaceful, and we loved how it almost sounded as though there was a soft melody playing, one that only we could hear.

He would sometimes say that it was lonely. I could never understand that. how could a  _winter wonderland_ of all things, be characterised as lonely? It didn't make sense, but he stood by his opinion. he said that it was because everything was of the same lifeless brand. There was no life in the woods in winter; everything was either dying or sleeping. When we would go on walks in the woods, he would stop in the middle of the trees and look around with a scared shiver because we were alone in a place that would otherwise be full of life. He said it was lonely and dark.

I told him it was peaceful. There was nothing to bother us and there were no surprises or mystery laying in wait. You could see whatever may be coming towards you with incredible clarity. I liked that. He thought it was creepy. We did occasionally meet in the middle. Neither of us could deny that it was beautiful, no matter how lonely or tranquil it may be. It was a beautiful sight to behold, and we were lucky to be able to witness it every day of the season.

It was beautiful today too. The snow was falling from the clouded sky, leaving soft impressions in the grounded layer of snow.  _Looks like it'll turn into a snowstorm though._ I remembered that he liked snowstorms. He said they made him feel warm. I thought it usually made people feel the opposite. That reminded me,  _where is he?_

"Babe?"

I spun on my heels and turned around. I let out a sigh of relief because he was there.

"Yes, sorry. What's the matter?" I asked. I set the urn down on the shelf to my left where the others sat. 

"Well... You kind of walked in like you were possessed or something." He looked at me quizzically, but I dismissed his worries. 

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad we're home again." I smiled, bringing him towards me. His head rested on my shoulder and his hands were rubbing circles on my back.

"Yeah, home sweet home, right?" He didn't sound right. His voice was choking up as he said  _home_.

I pushed him back for a minute and saw the tears piling in his eyes. I panicked and wiped them with my thumbs before they could fall. I searched his face for some kind of hint.

"What's wrong Hyukjae? Why are you crying? What's happening?" I bombarded him with questions, but if I had just stopped and thought for a moment, I would have been able to figure out that it was because of the murder. That whole ordeal we just got back from. 

"It's nothing. It's stupid, really." He gave a laugh and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. His hand held mine and pulled it away from his face. He closed his eyes and then winced. Those beautiful brown eyes of his opened. They were red and swollen.

"No, no, of course it's not stupid. Nothing you say could be stupid. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it." I tried to reason with him. I hated to see him like this.

"No. I'm just - I'm sorry I did this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this had to happen. It's all my fault." He was shaking his head. Tears were flying off his face and crashing to the ground.

"Hey,  _hey_ ," I grabbed his face and lifted it to look at mine. "None of this is your fault, ok? I don't - I don't know all the details, but it wasn't you. Okay? None of this is your fault, and it's all over anyway. It's done now. We got the ashes and we didn't leave any evidence, heck they probably won't even think anyone's dead for a long, long time. We're good. I love you, so we're good. You're good."

"Thank you Donghae, but it's - it's too late for that now." He looked to the side and a sob escaped from his mouth. I brought him close to my body again and stroked his hair as he cried. I whispered into his ear.

"It's not too late. Nothing is too late. Why are you talking like this?" I bit my lip and I felt the tears well up. "Why are you talking like, like it's the end? Why does it sound like the ending to some crap movie? I won't accept that. I won't!" I was getting angry. I didn't understand him.  _I didn't understand._

"Look. Donghae, just look. Look at me!" He shouted, but it came as a whimper. "You can't see it, can you?! You can't see anything!" He got quiet. "You never could. That's why... that's why I left you in the first place."

My hands left his body. My body stood stiff.

"What are you talking about? When did you leave me? When have you ever left me? You wouldn't."

"Before. Remember? When you couldn't find me. When I was there and then i was gone. Can't you remember, sweetie?" He looked up at me and his hand stroked my face. He looked like he was sad  _for_ me.

"I don't..." Then I did. And I didn't like where it was going. He saw the hesitation, the recognition. He nodded. "No." I whispered.

"You're right. It was then, that moment. We were on a walk in our winter wonderland, and then I ran away. I ran because of  _you_. Because you couldn't see it, I ran. You couldn't see how our relationship was degrading us. It was humiliating. It was bound to end, but you couldn't see it, could you?" He sniffled and his voice rose. "I hated that about you. I hated it with a passion, but I couldn't lay all the blame on you. Could I? I was the same. I didn't do anything to change it. I let it go on. I let all of it go on. You remember now, right?"

"You were going to leave me?" My hands were gripping his arms. His thin and weak arms - I didn't want to hurt him.

"I was. I ran when you weren't looking. I had to get away. You have to understand, Donghae. I was claustrophobic the way things were. I didn't want to go, but you smothered me and I had no other choice. I  _had_ to. Can't you remember? How you chased after me? When you found me? There was  _so much blood_." 

I didn't understand, but it made sense. I could see the scenes playing out in my head. I saw myself running after him, grabbing his arm, like I was now. I turned him around and he was crying and screaming. He was erratic and I tried to calm him down. I told him it was going to be alright. Then something happened? Or was it always there? - but there was the blood. It was everywhere. Our winter wonderland had become our crimson hell.


	25. A Movie

**Hyukjae**

 

I was the main actor is a new movie. I was running through the woods after having a domestic argument with my dearly beloved partner. I wanted to take a break from our relationship, but he didn't. I remember his hand hitting me across the face, and my skin burned into the snow when I fell down. 

I was watching the movie, now as a regular person who bought a ticket. The screen in front of me turned a brilliant white; a snowstorm opened the scene. Snow was falling in heavy clumps and the main character couldn't see anything as he ran through the forest of dead trees.  _A dead forest_. He continued to run through the woods, and as the camera panned in on his face, everyone could tell he was terrified. The white trees closed in and created a wall on either side of this man. It made me feel claustrophobic just watching.

There was a sudden yell and a darkened figure appeared behind the wall of snow. This figure broke through the barricade. He was angry with the man for arguing with him. This person ran towards the scared man, intent on catching him. I was so caught up in the scene that I began to shiver. 

The screen showed a close up of the protagonist's face and then zoomed out to show the man running behind him. The man didn't want to be caught. He wanted to escape this horror film and never return to such a hideous place. To think, it had once been a safe haven for the both of them. He risks a look backwards and regrets as he can only see the furious visage of the man catching up to him. I thought just then that it was amazing how the two of them could run for so long in a snowstorm without tripping. Just as this crossed my mind, the angry man crashes to the ground.

He spits out snow from his mouth and his face is bright red. The screen stays on his face for a while, showing how his emotions quickly change from anger to frustration to sadness. He starts crying, although it's not certain whether it's from the pain of the freezing snow biting into his skin, or from the thought of losing someone he had cared for - even if the latter was hard to believe. The man calls out to the other ahead of him. He had stopped running to watch the fallen man. 

"It's okay." He says. "This won't happen again." He tries. "I  _promise_!" He screams. "Come back to me." His body shakes with the chills. "Let's go home now.."

The man still standing appears to have a moment of doubt. He wonders if he really should go back or keep running. He thinks about all they've gone through and how much he loved that man. How much he still loves him, but he's heard it all before. These same promises have been said as many times as the sun has risen and set. He's had enough. He turns his head and anyone could be able to tell what was going through his head right then. This man has lived in fear and he doesn't want to feel afraid of another person so close to him anymore. He doesn't want to cower in fright every time that man comes home on the off chance that he's in a  _bad mood._

"Come on, let's go. Let's go baby. I love you." The man cries and cries.

The words don't reach, but the running man slows his pace - as if he wants to be caught. He thinks that maybe there's a chance. A sliver of hope that things could go back to how they were. He thinks that maybe they could sit down and work it out, even see a counselor maybe? Because he loves him and he hates seeing him broken in the snow crying like a baby, that's why he's remorseful. 

It was a bad idea. The man regained his stance and caught up in no time at all. The snowstorm blocked out all sounds, so when the man was tackled to the ground, the camera made sure to get a clear shot of his reaction. They wrestled in the snow and the scared man managed to elbow the dangerous man in the face, but it only made him angrier. The scary man was sitting atop the sad man and his fists were flying up and down as he beat the smaller into a pulp. The snow had flecks of red here and there and the bloodied man was crying with his thin arms holding onto his attacker's arms as they whammed into his body and face.

Then all the attacks stopped and the violent man rested his head on the other's aching chest. He let out a sigh and a whimper as if this cruel man was the victim here.

The credits rolled. I stood up and he was there standing in front of me again. 


	26. Understood

**Donghae**

 

I had gone away for some time, but I was back now. Not in the sense that I could understand being back. As soon as I had arrived I left again, and that cycle would repeat itself, but he would always be there. He never changed. He never changes. I didn't know what was going on, but I was starting to process the information that was being thrown at me. I didn't want to know it, I didn't want to remember, but I did. I remembered everything clearly and it hurt - it hurt so much. I wasn't the one who was hurting. I wasn't the victim, but  _why am I in so much pain_ _?_ It felt like an ice cold hand had reached into the depths of my body and spread my ribs to the side to be able to clench my beating heart.

He was still there. He was real. He was standing right in front of my eyes and I could  _feel_ him. I had been watching a movie through my mind's eye, and it had been like watching a home video that was filmed when we were kids and we were watching it in our living room years later and laughing over it. Now, I saw that it was from the present. It was now, but it didn't appear destructive at first, not like in the movie. We were happy, I'm sure of that. For a brief moment I was relieved of the pain because I saw his smiling face and the touch of his warm hand which caressed my cheek, but it was false. He wasn't smiling; he was wincing. His hand was clawing into my cheek and it was covered in a sticky liquid. My line of vision followed his limp hand as it fell to his side and swayed slowly back and forth.

His head was looking down and most of his boy weight was pushed against me. I sank to my knees and he followed - or I followed him first. He lifted his head and his swollen, bloody lips moved slowly but with purpose.

"Why?"

I looked at his hand that was desperately grasping mine. I hadn't noticed until now, but my hand was holding something, and that something was sticking out from his abdomen. I shook my head in disbelief, but the realization was beginning to kick in. Tears fell from my eyes and I clenched them shut to keep my vision clear. What was I doing? It wasn't my place to be weeping.

Blood pooled beneath us, corrupting our awful winter wonderland. The storm had begun to fade away, leaving just the two of us. I gripped the hilt of the knife and tried to pull it out, but his feeble hands grew strong and held us there.

"Why?" He repeated slowly. His voice pierced me with its rage, but softened and I realised that it wasn't anger, but sorrow.  _For who?_ He couldn't be feeling sorrow  _for me_ , could he?

"I'm so sorry, I promise you're going to get better. I didn't mean to do it. It-it just, it just happened, and I was so  _mad_ , I don't know why... I didn't want you to leave me, that's all." I looked at him and begged. "You can't ever leave me. I have to protect you. I have to protect you. I have to save you." I wept and  rocked us back and forth, but there was something bubbling inside of me. I could feel it.

His pulse was weakening and if I had been paying attention at the time, I may have realised that these were his last minutes on Earth. He raised his hand to my cheek. I opened my eyes - eyes filled with distraught and anger - and he was smiling. It wasn't that gummy smile that I used to cherish, but the soft smile that cleared my mind and heart from anything foul. He opened his lips and began to whisper, but I couldn't hear him. I couldn't hear the words he passed on to me. Because of my failure, and watching his cold, motionless corpse for hours in the cold, I was driven off the edge. Something snapped.

I didn't feel it at first. I'm remembering it now, but I didn't know at first. I still don't really know. There was -  _is_ \- only one thought in my mind.  _I have to take care of this_. I had so much to do. I  _have_ so much to do. My body started to move on its own. I took the body to the car. I got rid of the bloodied snow. I went to the abandoned crematory. I burned the body. I put the ashes in an urn. I drove home, and I put the urn next to all the others on the shelf by the back doors. 

I walked outside to our wonderland and fell down in the snow. My body ached and burned, but I didn't move. I just looked out into the woods that we called our own. 

"It's going to be alright." I muttered, "I'm going to fix this and protect you. It'll be over soon, I promise. We're almost home-" I cut myself short; that wasn't right. "We're home now. It's over, Hyukjae, baby." I smiled.

I went back inside and I looked at the shelf. It was an ordinary shelf, probably bought it at IKEA. There were ten urns in different forms displayed immaculately, except for one. The pottery was starting to crack, and it was covered in splotches of blood that had browned over the years. I picked it up and carried it out into the woods with me. 

I remembered how I had been broken for some time after it happened. I didn't understand - I  _don't_ understand - what he had meant. I hadn't understand what his last words had meant when he whispered them to me, so I set out to uncover the truth. I could only think of one way to understand, and that was through replication. I remembered how every winter I would try to reenact everything. I would find someone, I would love them as I loved him, and then I would bring them here and try to  _understand_.

I was such an idiot. His last words couldn't be replicated. My Hyukjae's last words were only his. It didn't matter how many I killed, none of them would suffice. They never felt the same as he did that night. The anger, the confusion, the sadness, and yet there was compassion, love, and the peace. They didn't have it, but Hyukjae did. I couldn't crack the code, and now its too late.

None of it mattered, because it's not Hyukjae.  _They're not_ Hyukjae. I can't have something make sense after it's been lost. After I have lost it. After I have  _killed_ it. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.  _It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter._ I started laughing. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I don't matter. There's nothing to take care of anymore. I'm nothing - that, I understood.


	27. Shades of Red

**Hyukjae**

 

"Tell me... Did you at least... love me?" I whispered in between breaths. My chest was getting heavier with every breath. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so  _sorry_." I coughed and blood splattered on my shirt. "I didn't mean to, I just couldn't stand it... Living with you like  _that_. It killed me. You killed me." I wasn't looking at his face, I was looking through it, through his eyes. "Truly love, I mean. Did you? Or was it some sick game to you?" My breath faltered; I think one of my lungs collapsed, because I could barely breathe. I paused and looked at the sky. It was so white. "Thank you."

At least, that's what I would have like to said. I had so much I wanted to say. There was so much I wanted to explain to him. I wanted him to know that I still love him and that he should find some professional help and get better. I wanted to yell at him too - to scream that it hurts and he was a dumbass for ending the one thing in his life that meant something. I wanted him to know how much pain I was feeling. Not just in my body, but my heart that was shattering. I wanted him to hold me and sway me back and forth as I said all of this and I wanted him to cry and hurt like I was. And I wanted to kiss him one last time, because how else was I supposed to tell him how I felt?

But that's not what happened. I wasn't able to say all of that in the two short breaths I was allowed. I wasn't able to let it all out and make my last words mean something. It wasn't like the movies, and my last words weren't remembered by the only person I cared for.

I was far too tired by the time I had collected my thoughts and forgot about the pain. My body ached and I wanted it all to go far away. 

The skies were starting to bleed; the clouds were twisting with the shades of red. It reminded me of stained glass in churches, except this wasn't an extravagant and lively church. This was abandoned and I was the only one here, starting through the glass.

So I looked at him and I began to speak, but before I was able to finish anything, it was gone. The cut to black as the movie ends. I half expected the credits to start rolling, but there was nothing. I was nothing. I only hoped he heard what I said. They were my last words after all.

"Donghae,"


End file.
